Well douche your snatch and let's go!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
