Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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