Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
