I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
