God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize