I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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