Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
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