just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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