Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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