how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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