Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
