Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
