I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no