what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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