we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
