I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
