I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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