I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
