I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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