if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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