I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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