He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
