If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
