I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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