I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
