How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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