im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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