guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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