I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
