my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Randomize
