wake up i wanna do it froggy style
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
