i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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