R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
