I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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