Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
