So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
