I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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