I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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