And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
