Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
