I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
