All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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