I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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