Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
