I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
