so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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