The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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