I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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