kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
