It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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