Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
