Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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