The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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