ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
