I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
