What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
