I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
