i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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