I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
