This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
