Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
operation have a gay friend backfired
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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