My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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