I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
